remain in me and I in you...

A discussion this morning of being shaken up and feeling unsettled...do you feel like you are being shaken up with dirt or with glitter? I think God is shaking off some of the dirt and sprinkling on the glitter with me. I don't think that I have enough words to explain the way, the stress, the exhaustion, the excitement my head is feeling lately. In parts it is so exhilarating that my life is moving up and down and round turns relentlessly and it is all happening so fast it should be impossible to stay still and I do love being this busy. The only thing is I am standing still and all these amazing things are passing me by, preparing for marriage whilst I am finishing a degree and doing neither well or at all, it seems especially difficult to pick up a book without falling asleep within is pages, it's even more difficult lately to pick up a bible and read about good things, encouraging things. I actually had to google a bible verse yesterday because I just didn't have time to look it up, but it felt so heavily pressed in my heart.

Well my heart, that was my question, must I believe and trust with my head and my heart, because my heart knows things and feels things that my head won't stay still long enough to listen to and believe. Thankfully the verse reads "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" Proverbs 3:5

How good it is to know that'my own understanding' is the rubbish in my head. I am so very comfortable with not leaning upon that! Isn't it strange that even when you're running so very fast, God manages to keep up and supply you with encouragement, love and everything you didn't know you needed.

I have been feeling that I should be the girl that feels comfortable in the most stressful situations and I am even beginning to get anxious because I am distressed that I am an anxious and stressed person, but you know what I can burst into tears for any reason and feel shattered all week because I have such an assurance in Him, He has me, He knows which house we're to buy, which town we are to live in and He most likely he's made me to be easily stressed at this time so that I learn I am not able to do this all myself and today, I am not stressed and I am doing my work, and I am excited about my future and my life, because it's in His hands and His hands work incredible things. :) feel encouraged my friends for He loves us so so much! x

I feel I should write more things, more things about love and life and God and dancing in raindrops, I feel I should have talked of engagement and weddings, and swooned more over how very much in love I am, how surreal and busy my life is, how very much is happening and changing, in me and around me, I feel I should share and confess things to a page, this page, a page potentially of strangers, to a page that remains blank for I haven't written more things...more words, we always need more words....

We'll always be children playing with matches
senseless to the dangers
naive to our emotions
I ache in thoughts
I wither in my perception
things to come, time to leave?

Shadows and echoes down this corridor
memories and dreams encased in glass
my face
my reflection
my judgement
this shiny layer prevails before me
lying
so deceitful
convincing me that I remain as cold
as hard
as the portrait before me.

I close my eyes
I feel you beside me
I know you
I know you believe in me
even if its just for now
I am loved.

Keep striking matches
we will walk through this fire
together we may not be burned.

There is fear in my heart, fear that my faith may not be strong enough.

I do not doubt Him, I doubt myself.

These giants, these seas, these storms, are they not already defeated, parted, calmed?

Remember our prayers of yesterday, may we continue praying for those sick, for those against us, for those whose eyes have yet to be opened, for those whose ears have yet to hear, for those whose mouths have yet to speak, for those whose hearts have yet to be forgiven.

I should know Your voice by now, surely I should know Your expectations for me, the thoughts and plans You have for me? But what is this life for me? To waste time on the mediocre and enjoyable, will I regret my life as I age or will I never realised how important all this is until my time has come. If this life is that important then why do I forsake hours of my day and laze in the absence of doing. Dwell in my mind and not in my body, stay in places of thought not of reality. What should I be doing with me?

I will go on loving, I will go on doing, I will go on seeking Your voice throughout the crowds, throughout this audience with the judgments and the jeering. I will follow you, I will for I have to, for I have nothing without You. When all is done I want to be with You, I don't know how I will, but I will. For You will guide me through this valley, You will be with me and You will always be my salvation.

Your hands play the strings of my heart,
chords and sweet melodies,
that make my whole body sway in your gentle embrace.
Our bodies barely touching,
our lips do not brush,
not even the lingering hint of a kiss in this soft step.
My soul wraps itself within yours,
I lose myself further in your eyes,
With certainty I give my heart to you barely beating,
for you already took my breath away.
This romance so sweet,
this song so beautiful,
that it may play for all futures.
I loved you since I first heard your voice,
for if God made a perfect man for me
then I find him in you.
Place your dreams with mine,
build within my imagination
for the stars shall watch us grow together,
in this our melody,
our hope His glory,
for grace shall raise us up to take us into tomorrow.

I can taste this mystery,
sensing this excitement,
imagining if this can be.
Shall it turn out only an illusion to be shattered?
A fairytale given over to falsehood?
Betrayal?
Will you be my prince charming,
or reveal yourself a wolf in disguise?
I count the petals fall from roses,
a timeless trick, surpassing this enchantment.
I close my eyes to sleep a thousand years,
only to drift my mind to you.
These thoughts secure here in my dwelling,
these moments fade to memories.
This heart is sealed
with a hope my soul cannot fathom.
Till I may sleep soundly by your side,
this is my lullaby,
an echo through eternity,
for true loves kiss,
an answer to my prayers,
to long for more than a fairytale,
for love that is not bitter,
for romance that cannot die.

My life is small and fragile, merely a droplet of time in the ocean of existence, and sometimes I feel lost, sometimes I feel small and so insignificant, sometimes I feel I may drown here. Then I remember that this ocean is but a raindrop in His hand, secure and still, timeless...

My being here was not an afterthought, an accident or some twist of fate of this I am certain.
My life, my future, my everything is in Him...this assurance sings me to sleep.

A thousand words erupt from my core, racing around my mind, pouring out ink on paper. Notes lay crumpled and torn on the floor, these pages and books scrawled with echos. Dancing in memories, drifting through dreams, my lucid lullaby. I'm caught up in this, feeling that faith is raw, that it will never be easy. Trusting love to lead me fearless into eternity, this is not serendipity, this splinters convention, this is when I pray for my ways to disintegrate, for His to transpire, for grace to crack my conceptions, to shatter my illusions, to break every barrier and fill me with such love that it pours out of me in every action, in every handshake, in every smile and every tear.

I will trust in you,
I will fail,
I will live for you and I shall fail,
for the rest of my life I will search for a way not to fail you,
in this I will fail,
but you will go on loving me,
for you always love me,
without fail.

I cannot even begin to explain myself, my existence, my thoughts, my feelings...there will never be enough words to convey this love that I feel within life. I love, therefore I am. My words may be meaningless, they would never withstand a test of time, a test of fire, they are not divine, they are not humble, but surely they are my words.

Judgments are made with closed eyes, I haven't had long enough to know myself, I have no idea where to begin with thoughts of me, my life, my truth, my aspirations, if I really knew myself I might be afraid. I feel that maybe I should fear, none of us know our potential, surely we only fall in the shadows between our actions and our recollections of whom we have been and ideals of who we'd like to become, if I look only at me then I may never arrive at the correct destination, I'm staring into mirrors, trying to catch a glimpse of God in me.

I saw Him in you, shining and I had to know the man that showed His eyes. The weaknesses in me were tearing at your skin and I tried to make you tumble and fall, til you didn't resemble Him. Stronger than I imagined, in time your hand reached for mine and I knew, for I felt it, what love could be, that someone could stop my mind from reeling, stop my feet from falling and just love me, constantly and achingly, run after me and never tire.

...they are not divine, they are not humble, but surely they are my words.